by Jake Cline

It’s an incontestable, scientific fact that no fan of Bob Dylan can pick a favorite song by the Bard of Hibbing, Minn. Don’t laugh: It is. If I had the desire to read Stephen Hawking’s new book, The Grand Design, I’m sure I’d find a passage in which the great physicist states, right after he provides evidence for the nonexistence of God, that it is impossible to separate the brilliance of “I Threw It All Away” from that of “One Too Many Mornings,” rank the divinity of “Visions of Johanna” against that of “Simple Twist of Fate” or pit “Just Like Tom Thumb’s Blues” vs. “You Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere” while expecting one song to come out ahead.

You can’t do it. It can’t be done. Stephen Hawking knows it, Bob Dylan knows it, and you know it.

If only it were as difficult to pick the Dylan song I like the least. This is no Sophie’s Choice-like dilemma in which I’m forced to leave behind something I desperately care about. This is not like that at all. You see, if it were possible to take a song, load it onto a boat, lash its feet to a couple of anvils (preferably Acme anvils, though any brand of anvil would work), lead it to the bow and push it overboard once we’d reached the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, I would do that to “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35.” Overplayed on the radio, overperformed in concert and overinterpreted (yeah, that’s a word) as a song about marijuana, “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35” is Dylan’s “Queen of the Supermarket,” “Discotheque” and “Better Man” all in one. It’s a terrible song from an artist not known for writing terrible songs. It would mar Blonde on Blonde, if Blonde on Blonde weren’t perfect. It’s almost as annoying as anything by the Eagles, as predictable as a latter-day Eric Clapton hit and as insipid as any song by Neil Young with “mother nature” in its title.

Years ago, when I discovered how to upload albums to my new iPod, Blonde on Blonde was among the first recordings I placed on the device, only I did so without including the offending song. So now, every time I put on Blonde on Blonde, the first track I hear is “Pledging My Time.” This may strike some Dylan completists as abject sacrilege, but I’m OK with that. “Pledging My Time” is a great song, and its second verse concerns a kidnapping hobo. In “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35,” the second verse has to do with walking.

The thing is, I liked “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35” the first 400 or so times I heard it. And then, I didn’t like it anymore. Not at all.

I blame you for that. That is, I blame you if you were the guy who stood behind me Feb. 1, 2002, on the floor of the National Car Rental Center in Sunrise (now the BankAtlantic Center), and right when Bob Dylan began to drawl his way through “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35,” you began to scream, “Yeah! Yeah! Everybody must get stoned! Yeah! Yeah! Get stoned, everybody! Let’s get stoned!”

To me: “Are you stoned, man, are you stoned?”

Me, while searching the ground for an actual stone: “No. Shut up. That’s not what he means. This song is not about pot.”

Him: “Well, they’ll stone you when you’re at the breakfast table! They’ll stone you when you’re trying to keep your seat! … ”

At least he knew the lyrics.

This past weekend, Dylan opened his set at the Bumbershoot Festival in Seattle with “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35,” as he has at quite a few shows this summer. I’m hoping he won’t do the same when he returns to South Florida Oct. 6 to play Nova Southeastern University in Davie. I’ve been lucky enough to only hear Dylan perform the song that one time in Sunrise. In fact, I’ve heard him do “All Along the Watchtower” more times than “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35,” which could only mean …

Shit! I forgot about “All Along the Watchtower.”

I hate “All Along the Watchtower.”

Pre-sale tickets for Dylan’s show at Nova went on sale this morning. Regular ticket sales begin Friday.

…

Following are the set lists from every show Dylan has performed in South Florida since a private rehearsal in front of about 300 people at the Edge nightclub in Fort Lauderdale. I’m not too proud to brag: I was there, and it was awesome. (Set lists from every Bob Dylan concert — ever — can be found at Bobdylan.com.)

SEPT. 25, 1995, THE EDGE, FORT LAUDERDALE

Real Real Gone
Friend Of The Devil
Maggie’s Farm
It’s Too Late (Chuck Willis)
Silvio
Confidential (Dolinda Morgan)
Willin’
That Lucky Old Sun
West L.A. Fadeaway
When I Paint My Masterpiece
Key To The Highway (Charles Segar – Willie Broonzy)
Tangled Up In Blue
With God On Our Side
Highway 61 Revisited

SEPT. 28, 1995, SUNRISE MUSICAL THEATER
Crash On The Levee (Down in the Flood)
Señor (Tales Of Yankee Power)
All Along The Watchtower
You’re A Big Girl Now
I’ll Be Your Baby Tonight
Silvio
Mr. Tambourine Man
Boots Of Spanish Leather
Mama, You Been On My Mind
Seeing The Real You At Last
I’ll Remember You
Highway 61 Revisited
Ballad Of A Thin Man
It Ain’t Me, Babe
Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

MARCH 30, 1998, CAMEO THEATER, MIAMI BEACH
To Be Alone With You
If You See Her, Say Hello
Can’t Wait
Born In Time
Silvio
The White Dove
It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue
Tangled Up In Blue
All Along The Watchtower
Queen Jane Approximately
‘Til I Fell In Love With You
Highway 61 Revisited
It Ain’t Me, Babe
Love Sick
Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

MARCH 31, 1998, CAMEO THEATER, MIAMI BEACH
To Be Alone With You
Señor (Tales Of Yankee Power)
Can’t Wait
You’re A Big Girl Now
Silvio
Cocaine Blues
One Too Many Mornings
Tangled Up In Blue
Million Miles
Jokerman
Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again
‘Til I Fell In Love With You
It Ain’t Me, Babe
Love Sick
Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

JAN. 28, 1999, NATIONAL CAR RENTAL CENTER, SUNRISE
Gotta Serve Somebody
Señor (Tales Of Yankee Power)
Silvio
Just Like A Woman
Can’t Wait
Stone Walls And Steel Bars
Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right
The Times They Are A-Changin’
Tangled Up In Blue
Make You Feel My Love
Highway 61 Revisited
Love Sick
Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat
Blowin’ In The Wind
Not Fade Away

SEPT. 2, 1999, CORAL SKY AMPHITHEATER, WEST PALM BEACH (WITH PAUL SIMON)
My Back Pages
Masters Of War
Love Minus Zero/No Limit
Tangled Up In Blue
All Along The Watchtower
Just Like A Woman
Silvio
The Heart That You Own
Highway 61 Revisited
Like A Rolling Stone
It Ain’t Me, Babe
The Boxer (with Simon)
That’ll Be The Day (with Simon)
The Wanderer (with Simon)
Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door

FEB. 1, 2002, NATIONAL CAR RENTAL CENTER, SUNRISE
I Am The Man, Thomas
To Ramona
It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)
Searching For A Soldier’s Grave
Gotta Serve Somebody
Tell Me That It Isn’t True
High Water (for Charlie Patton)
Lonesome Day Blues
It Ain’t Me, Babe
John Brown
Tangled Up In Blue
Summer Days
Sugar Baby
The Wicked Messenger
Rainy Day Women #12 & 35
Things Have Changed
Like A Rolling Stone
Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door
Honest With Me
Blowin’ In The Wind

MAY 4, 2003, SUNFEST, WEST PALM BEACH
Maggie’s Farm
Señor (Tales Of Yankee Power)
Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again
Lay, Lady, Lay
Things Have Changed
Drifter’s Escape
It Ain’t Me, Babe
Cold Irons Bound
Just Like A Woman
Love Sick
You Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere
Honest With Me
Bye And Bye
Summer Days
Like A Rolling Stone
All Along The Watchtower

MAY 26, 2005, FORT LAUDERDALE STADIUM (WITH WILLIE NELSON)
Drifter’s Escape
Señor (Tales Of Yankee Power)
Cry A While
I’ll Remember You
Things Have Changed
Forever Young
Cat’s In The Well
Just Like Tom Thumb’s Blues
It Ain’t Me, Babe
Highway 61 Revisited
Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right
All Along The Watchtower

MAY 11, 2006 HARD ROCK LIVE, HOLLYWOOD (WITH MERLE HAGGARD)
Maggie’s Farm
She Belongs To Me
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum
Positively 4th Street
‘Til I Fell In Love With You
It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)
Just Like A Woman
High Water (for Charlie Patton)
Make You Feel My Love
Highway 61 Revisited
Mr. Tambourine Man
Summer Days
Like A Rolling Stone
All Along The Watchtower